Make Love Not Quotes - A Conversation

KIM: Inspirational love quotes are really starting to piss me off.  “You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.”  I have heard this quote many times over the years.  My mom uses it every single time I call her to complain about being alone.  I call for advice and I hear this quote and then she prays for me.  A quote and a prayer aren’t really advice, Mom.

DONNA: I pray people will stop quoting this to me: “You’ll find the right one when you’re ready.” Are you sure? How sure? Like 72% sure? What facts do you have to back this up? If you’re gonna throw this in my face (the suggestion that I’m not in a relationship because I lack “readiness”  - as opposed to all of those other relationship-ready geniuses who are hitched or hooked-up and ready to do murder to their similarly relationship-ready-paragons-of-emotional-maturity lifemates), the least you can do is offer charts and graphs to support this hypothesis. Pony up with the data or give it a fucking rest. Readiness = Good Man Magically Materializes Before You. Hogwash poppycock unicorns.

KIM: I hate these quotes.  I know they have truth to them; if you are a miserable person in general, you aren’t going to suddenly find yourself blissfully happy upon finding yourself in the midst of coupledom.  If you do, it probably won’t last long.

For emotionally mature and un-crippled single people everywhere, I call bullshit.  Quotes like these imply that as soon as you love yourself, whatever that means, you’ll find love and hearts and rainbows and flowers and kittens.  The implication is that if you are single and not happy about it, it’s your fault because you don’t love yourself.

So, does the fact that I have been single for an eternity mean that I don’t love myself?  I’m going to have to answer “no” – I think I’m a pretty awesome chick. 

DONNA: Agreed. Kim is awesome. Please continue.

KIM: Thanks, Donna, I appreciate it even though you’re my friend and have to say that.  But, let’s use me as test case for this quote. I think I’m awesome; therefore I should be completely happy with my weekend ritual of hot dates with Redbox and my dog, right?  WRONG!  But I love myself; I should be happy no matter what, even in my pjs at 8:00 pm on a Friday night watching, “Camel Spiders,” right?  WRONG!  The whole premise falls apart and starts a never-ending spiral of contradictions.  The inconsistency boggles the mind.  As does “Camel Spiders.”  They only have 6 legs in some scenes; they aren’t spiders!  Insects six, spiders eight…idiots.

DONNA: Kim, what’s with the weird shit you watch? Seriously, girlfriend, you watch some weird shit.

KIM: It’s what they had at Redbox.  Can we start a movement to ban use of quotes like these in normal “I’m-tired-of-being-single” complaint situations?  People need to stop before use and ask themselves, “Does she regularly sit in the corner on weekends crying and rocking while watching ‘The Notebook’ and knitting sweaters for her cat?” 

DONNA: The only women I know who do things like that are married. Just sayin’.

KIM: Eh, I don’t know if I can say the same thing but I don’t think it’s an epidemic.  Hopefully though the answer is “No, she does not knit cat sweaters and cry.” In this situation, for the sake and pride of awesome single chicks everywhere – do NOT use this quote.  Or any quote for that matter.  Remind her she’s awesome and tell her horror stories about your relationship or marriage.  That always helps.

DONNA: I propose we start a new hackneyed-overly-simplistic saying: “When you love yourself, your marriage problems will be solved.” It makes lots of sense, and by ‘lots of sense’ I mean no sense. Nonsense. It makes nonsense. It’s nonsense. I’ll stop now.

KIM: Did you turn into The Mad Hatter for a minute?  Anyway, if the answer to “The Notebook” cat sweater question is “yes” you’ve got a whole new set of problems on your hands.  “The Notebook” and cat sweaters are never okay.  Ever.  Seriously.  Ever.

DONNA: You must love yourself enough not to watch film adaptations of Nicholas Sparks’s novels.

KIM: Well, at least enough not to cry and knit sweaters while watching them.  Maybe if they’re for Ryan Gosling’s cats?

DONNA: I would knit sweaters for Ryan Gosling’s cats.

"Hey Donna, Sprinkles loves the sweater. xoxo Ryan"