10 Things to Avoid on Your Online Dating Profile or How to Avoid Looking Like a Douche

I'm an on-and-off online dater.  I never have very good luck with it.  I've gone on a couple dates and had a few phone conversations over the years but nothing that amounted to anything.  It might have something to do with the fact that I'm lazy about it and hardly ever email anyone.  I kind of have a hard time taking it seriously.  

After spending some time on online dating sites, I have developed a few pet peeves that make me cringe and move on to the next profile every time I see them.  In an effort to make the world a better place by informing men what we really think of their profiles, I have compiled this list of my top 10 douche bag red flags. 

Check them out and let me know if I'm too critical, right on the money or I just plain need to get a life.

Please note that ALL of the pictures of guys used below are real dudes' profile pictures.  Yep, ladies, this is how they want all the world to know them.  Email us if you like what you see and we'll hook you up.

1 - The Shirtless Profile Picture

While I appreciate a nice view, having your profile picture set as a headless torso is ridiculous.  Guys, while you might date a woman solely based on the female version of this picture, women don't have the same mindset.  You just look like a tool.  Double douche points if it’s a picture of your torso that you took using your reflection in a bathroom mirror.

2 - The Mirror Self Portrait

Speaking of bathroom mirrors, try to limit the mirror self portraits.  Other women may not mind, but when all the pictures on a profile are taken in a bathroom mirror, hall mirror, rear view mirror, etc, I think, “This guy has no friends.”  Also, clean your freakin' bathroom!  The dirty laundry behind you isn't going to help you get a date.  Or the octopus shower curtain.

3 - "This is How I Live" Pic

There are several variations of this type of picture.  It might include pictures of you in your military uniform, fireman turnout gear, mountain climbing, drinking on the beach, drinking in a pool, drinking with friends or, in some cases, I've seen a couple pictures of guys hunched over toilets vomiting.  Not all of these are bad (except the vomit ones) and I’m not passing judgment on every situation where these are used.  You might have a cool picture in your uniform (ladies love a uniform) or a good shot of you playing guitar in your band.  But please, fellas, use these sparingly.  You don't want to be Mr. Look-At-All-My-Shoes-and-Fresh-Ts-and-NWA-Poster up there.  Trust me.  Don't be that guy.  Don't.

4 - Must "Take Care" of Yourself

The comment, “Looking for someone who takes care of themselves,” makes me want to jump through the computer, find the guy who typed it and punch him in the face.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.  Are you talking about someone who brushes their teeth or bathes on a regular basis?  Um, no, I think everyone knows this is code for “No Fat Chicks” but it’s misleading and just pisses people off.  If you don’t like larger ladies, no biggie, but don’t imply that they are smelly, gross and need a flea-bath.  The comment might even turn off all the Sports Illustrated swimsuit models lining up outside your basement apartment.  Oh, wait, there aren't any?  I'm so sad for you, asshole.

5 - Text Typing and Purposeful Misspelling

I’m not perfect, nor do I always have perfect grammar, spelling or punctuation.  People make mistakes.  However I refuse to think that ending words in “z” is an accident.  You are either an idiot or think it makes you "gangsta".  A profile headline that reads, “I Gotz Skillz” is going to make me “runz for the hillz”.  Also, “U” is a letter; “you” is a pronoun.

6 - Profile Pictures of People Who Are Not You

Are you P. Diddy?  Are you Ryan Reynolds?  No?  Then why are there pictures of them on your dating profile?  Why is "The Dark Knight" poster your profile picture?  Are you telling me you are insane like The Joker or have anger management issues like Christian Bale?  It’s not funny or clever and it doesn't tell me anything about you.  It’s just weird.

7 - Overuse of Tongue-in-Cheek Profiles

The first 12 times I read these types of profiles, I thought they were clever.  Now, everyone seems to be a ninja on the weekends who saves little old ladies from gigantic cats while playing the violin.  Be yourself and let us get to know you.  We get that you think you’re funny, now prove it to us by being clever about your real life.

8 - Artsy Pictures by Guys Who Just Don't Get It

This one really speaks for itself.  I had something written about different types of artsy pics that don't work and the type of men who can and can't post them.  Then I found this picture on a profile and, really, a picture is worth a thousand words.  Good luck, Creepy Butterfly Man.  I sincerely wish you the best.  Fly.  Be free.

9 - Complaining

It's so horrible that your ex makes you pay child support for the child you fathered.  Really, you say all women cheat, lie and are fake?  So, help me understand.  If women are hateful wenches, why are you using your torso pictures and your ninja "skillz" to woo us?  Shut up and be positive and maybe the one wonderful woman out there that you aren't sure exists will want to talk to you.

10 - Pets, Children and the Elderly

Now that you've gotten us hot and bothered with your abs, put us in our places by weeding out the fatties and the bitchy haters, and let us in on your crime fighting hobby, you think the icing on the cake is showing us your sensitive side.  What better way than a picture of you and one of those kids that are "your world"?  We're women, we're stupid, we won't remember that two sentences ago you complained about the child support.  Oh, you don't have kids.  Ok, you can work around that.  How about a pet?  Women love cute puppies and kittens and...iguanas?  No pet, ok, that's cool.  Grab an old person, preferably one that you know, snap a pic and you're in!

So, am I too critical?  Should I jump on the next headless ninja iguana owner that thinks I "take care of myself" and emails me, "Hi, u r sexxyy.  Can we chat?"  Or do I continue to hit delete without responding?