Happy Memorial Day

Cooper showing his thanks and support with a patriot bow tie.  Happy Memorial Day everyone!

10 Things to Avoid on Your Online Dating Profile or How to Avoid Looking Like a Douche

I'm an on-and-off online dater.  I never have very good luck with it.  I've gone on a couple dates and had a few phone conversations over the years but nothing that amounted to anything.  It might have something to do with the fact that I'm lazy about it and hardly ever email anyone.  I kind of have a hard time taking it seriously.  

After spending some time on online dating sites, I have developed a few pet peeves that make me cringe and move on to the next profile every time I see them.  In an effort to make the world a better place by informing men what we really think of their profiles, I have compiled this list of my top 10 douche bag red flags. 

Check them out and let me know if I'm too critical, right on the money or I just plain need to get a life.

Please note that ALL of the pictures of guys used below are real dudes' profile pictures.  Yep, ladies, this is how they want all the world to know them.  Email us if you like what you see and we'll hook you up.

1 - The Shirtless Profile Picture

While I appreciate a nice view, having your profile picture set as a headless torso is ridiculous.  Guys, while you might date a woman solely based on the female version of this picture, women don't have the same mindset.  You just look like a tool.  Double douche points if it’s a picture of your torso that you took using your reflection in a bathroom mirror.

2 - The Mirror Self Portrait

Speaking of bathroom mirrors, try to limit the mirror self portraits.  Other women may not mind, but when all the pictures on a profile are taken in a bathroom mirror, hall mirror, rear view mirror, etc, I think, “This guy has no friends.”  Also, clean your freakin' bathroom!  The dirty laundry behind you isn't going to help you get a date.  Or the octopus shower curtain.

3 - "This is How I Live" Pic

There are several variations of this type of picture.  It might include pictures of you in your military uniform, fireman turnout gear, mountain climbing, drinking on the beach, drinking in a pool, drinking with friends or, in some cases, I've seen a couple pictures of guys hunched over toilets vomiting.  Not all of these are bad (except the vomit ones) and I’m not passing judgment on every situation where these are used.  You might have a cool picture in your uniform (ladies love a uniform) or a good shot of you playing guitar in your band.  But please, fellas, use these sparingly.  You don't want to be Mr. Look-At-All-My-Shoes-and-Fresh-Ts-and-NWA-Poster up there.  Trust me.  Don't be that guy.  Don't.

4 - Must "Take Care" of Yourself

The comment, “Looking for someone who takes care of themselves,” makes me want to jump through the computer, find the guy who typed it and punch him in the face.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.  Are you talking about someone who brushes their teeth or bathes on a regular basis?  Um, no, I think everyone knows this is code for “No Fat Chicks” but it’s misleading and just pisses people off.  If you don’t like larger ladies, no biggie, but don’t imply that they are smelly, gross and need a flea-bath.  The comment might even turn off all the Sports Illustrated swimsuit models lining up outside your basement apartment.  Oh, wait, there aren't any?  I'm so sad for you, asshole.

5 - Text Typing and Purposeful Misspelling

I’m not perfect, nor do I always have perfect grammar, spelling or punctuation.  People make mistakes.  However I refuse to think that ending words in “z” is an accident.  You are either an idiot or think it makes you "gangsta".  A profile headline that reads, “I Gotz Skillz” is going to make me “runz for the hillz”.  Also, “U” is a letter; “you” is a pronoun.

6 - Profile Pictures of People Who Are Not You

Are you P. Diddy?  Are you Ryan Reynolds?  No?  Then why are there pictures of them on your dating profile?  Why is "The Dark Knight" poster your profile picture?  Are you telling me you are insane like The Joker or have anger management issues like Christian Bale?  It’s not funny or clever and it doesn't tell me anything about you.  It’s just weird.

7 - Overuse of Tongue-in-Cheek Profiles

The first 12 times I read these types of profiles, I thought they were clever.  Now, everyone seems to be a ninja on the weekends who saves little old ladies from gigantic cats while playing the violin.  Be yourself and let us get to know you.  We get that you think you’re funny, now prove it to us by being clever about your real life.

8 - Artsy Pictures by Guys Who Just Don't Get It

This one really speaks for itself.  I had something written about different types of artsy pics that don't work and the type of men who can and can't post them.  Then I found this picture on a profile and, really, a picture is worth a thousand words.  Good luck, Creepy Butterfly Man.  I sincerely wish you the best.  Fly.  Be free.

9 - Complaining

It's so horrible that your ex makes you pay child support for the child you fathered.  Really, you say all women cheat, lie and are fake?  So, help me understand.  If women are hateful wenches, why are you using your torso pictures and your ninja "skillz" to woo us?  Shut up and be positive and maybe the one wonderful woman out there that you aren't sure exists will want to talk to you.

10 - Pets, Children and the Elderly

Now that you've gotten us hot and bothered with your abs, put us in our places by weeding out the fatties and the bitchy haters, and let us in on your crime fighting hobby, you think the icing on the cake is showing us your sensitive side.  What better way than a picture of you and one of those kids that are "your world"?  We're women, we're stupid, we won't remember that two sentences ago you complained about the child support.  Oh, you don't have kids.  Ok, you can work around that.  How about a pet?  Women love cute puppies and kittens and...iguanas?  No pet, ok, that's cool.  Grab an old person, preferably one that you know, snap a pic and you're in!

So, am I too critical?  Should I jump on the next headless ninja iguana owner that thinks I "take care of myself" and emails me, "Hi, u r sexxyy.  Can we chat?"  Or do I continue to hit delete without responding?

 

 

 

Cooper Meme Mondays

Cooper starring in your favorite internet memes - what better way to start the week?

Make Love Not Quotes - A Conversation

KIM: Inspirational love quotes are really starting to piss me off.  “You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.”  I have heard this quote many times over the years.  My mom uses it every single time I call her to complain about being alone.  I call for advice and I hear this quote and then she prays for me.  A quote and a prayer aren’t really advice, Mom.

DONNA: I pray people will stop quoting this to me: “You’ll find the right one when you’re ready.” Are you sure? How sure? Like 72% sure? What facts do you have to back this up? If you’re gonna throw this in my face (the suggestion that I’m not in a relationship because I lack “readiness”  - as opposed to all of those other relationship-ready geniuses who are hitched or hooked-up and ready to do murder to their similarly relationship-ready-paragons-of-emotional-maturity lifemates), the least you can do is offer charts and graphs to support this hypothesis. Pony up with the data or give it a fucking rest. Readiness = Good Man Magically Materializes Before You. Hogwash poppycock unicorns.

KIM: I hate these quotes.  I know they have truth to them; if you are a miserable person in general, you aren’t going to suddenly find yourself blissfully happy upon finding yourself in the midst of coupledom.  If you do, it probably won’t last long.

For emotionally mature and un-crippled single people everywhere, I call bullshit.  Quotes like these imply that as soon as you love yourself, whatever that means, you’ll find love and hearts and rainbows and flowers and kittens.  The implication is that if you are single and not happy about it, it’s your fault because you don’t love yourself.

So, does the fact that I have been single for an eternity mean that I don’t love myself?  I’m going to have to answer “no” – I think I’m a pretty awesome chick. 

DONNA: Agreed. Kim is awesome. Please continue.

KIM: Thanks, Donna, I appreciate it even though you’re my friend and have to say that.  But, let’s use me as test case for this quote. I think I’m awesome; therefore I should be completely happy with my weekend ritual of hot dates with Redbox and my dog, right?  WRONG!  But I love myself; I should be happy no matter what, even in my pjs at 8:00 pm on a Friday night watching, “Camel Spiders,” right?  WRONG!  The whole premise falls apart and starts a never-ending spiral of contradictions.  The inconsistency boggles the mind.  As does “Camel Spiders.”  They only have 6 legs in some scenes; they aren’t spiders!  Insects six, spiders eight…idiots.

DONNA: Kim, what’s with the weird shit you watch? Seriously, girlfriend, you watch some weird shit.

KIM: It’s what they had at Redbox.  Can we start a movement to ban use of quotes like these in normal “I’m-tired-of-being-single” complaint situations?  People need to stop before use and ask themselves, “Does she regularly sit in the corner on weekends crying and rocking while watching ‘The Notebook’ and knitting sweaters for her cat?” 

DONNA: The only women I know who do things like that are married. Just sayin’.

KIM: Eh, I don’t know if I can say the same thing but I don’t think it’s an epidemic.  Hopefully though the answer is “No, she does not knit cat sweaters and cry.” In this situation, for the sake and pride of awesome single chicks everywhere – do NOT use this quote.  Or any quote for that matter.  Remind her she’s awesome and tell her horror stories about your relationship or marriage.  That always helps.

DONNA: I propose we start a new hackneyed-overly-simplistic saying: “When you love yourself, your marriage problems will be solved.” It makes lots of sense, and by ‘lots of sense’ I mean no sense. Nonsense. It makes nonsense. It’s nonsense. I’ll stop now.

KIM: Did you turn into The Mad Hatter for a minute?  Anyway, if the answer to “The Notebook” cat sweater question is “yes” you’ve got a whole new set of problems on your hands.  “The Notebook” and cat sweaters are never okay.  Ever.  Seriously.  Ever.

DONNA: You must love yourself enough not to watch film adaptations of Nicholas Sparks’s novels.

KIM: Well, at least enough not to cry and knit sweaters while watching them.  Maybe if they’re for Ryan Gosling’s cats?

DONNA: I would knit sweaters for Ryan Gosling’s cats.

"Hey Donna, Sprinkles loves the sweater. xoxo Ryan"

Fifty Shades of Delusional

I downloaded Fifty Shades of Grey to find out what all the fuss was about.  I started reading for the kinky sex and, even though the writing was terrible and the characters started out unlikable, I kept reading, through all three books, for the ending.  It felt a lot like a big drinking night; fun at the beginning until you realize you are completely plastered and will probably vomit.  I had to find out how much the ending would make me vomit.

To give some background for those who have not experienced these epic tomes, “Fifty Shades” goes a little like the following: Extremely attractive, smart girl (who doesn’t know she’s extremely attractive and smart), Ana, meets extremely attractive, rich, mysterious douche-bag guy, Christian.  Christian pursues (stalks) Ana.  Ana develops a crush (starts obsessing).  Christian draws up a legal agreement to make Ana his submissive sex slave on weekends (happens all the time).  Ana eventually agrees despite knowing she wants more (surprise). This is the point in the story I started getting pissed off…and the kinky sex hadn’t even started yet!

While Ana was debating whether or not she should let Christian flog her in his “Red Room of Pain,” I was trying to decide how this whole thing would play out.  There were three possible endings to the trilogy.  Ana could get her heart broken, maybe some bones too, but gain confidence in herself and become a strong, confident woman.  Christian might get a little crazy with the stalking or the spanking and kill her.  Or they live happily ever after because she “fixes” him.  I wanted the first option but got the last.

Between the kinky sex, obsessive tendencies, emotionally crippling pasts and all the trappings of the obnoxiously rich, a dangerous plot forms.  The real danger in this series is not BDSM sex or dominate/submissive roles, it’s the idea that a woman can love a sadistic, possessive yet likeable man so much that she cures him. 

The fact that these novels are all over the place and what every woman is talking about appalls me.  Right here, in print, is an idealized story of a delusion that I thought women had gotten over.

We all go through this phase and hopefully, most of us get out.  Remember, the guy in college who was an ass but played in a band and seemed mysterious and smart?  Yeah, that guy.  Remember when he played his guitar for you and made you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world?  Sure, he was mean sometimes and could be a real jerk, but that was just because he was misunderstood.  Deep down he really loved you but was just afraid to show it.  He just needed your help; you could fix him.  Whatever happened to that guy?  Oh yeah, you realized he really was an immature douche that only wanted to get in your pants and, as much as it hurt, called it quits, licked your wounds and grew up.

I hope these books leave the collective consciousness as quickly as they arrived but with the movie rights being purchased, I doubt it.  This story feeds into women’s delusions in a much more dangerous way than Nicholas Sparks novels.  Or, as I like to call them, dumb girly shit. 

Throughout the series, Christian has a habit of pushing the limits.  He gets too angry too quickly, he uses sex as a weapon, he stalks his girlfriend and he spanks her a little too hard during a BDSM moment. Immediately after losing control, he realizes what he’s done and apologizes bringing Ana back under his control, um, er, I mean spell.  Sounds similar to abusive relationships to me – berate, beat, apologize and then repeat. 

In “Fifty Shades”, Ana fixes him.  This fact is not merely implied, it’s stated over and over again, drilled into readers’ heads.  The sentiment is expressed by Christian’s parents, friends, ex-submissives, housekeeper, security guard and the list goes on.  There is even an extremely infuriating scene where Ana meets with Christian’s therapist and he tells her, “He’s changed.  You have made more progress with him in weeks than I have in years.  Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it.”  I think I just vomited in my mouth a little.

Are you freaking kidding me?  What she “keeps doing” is refusing to leave him when he’s behaved like a crazy person or lost control and hurt her emotionally and physically (it’s not abuse if she agrees to it and it’s during sex).  To put this in the context of a real-life abusive relationship, you can fix a man who punches you in the face by still loving him even though he continues to punch you in the face.

I don’t blame the author.  She’s not a writer (which is painfully evident).  She wanted a project so she wrote her fantasy, self-published and then sold the series as e-books.  She couldn’t have anticipated how popular they would become.  Honestly, she’s an inspiration for creative types everywhere.  Sometimes the world does pick up what you’re putting down and pays $9.99 a piece for it.  Good for her!

I find it extremely saddening that what the world picked up and ran with was the story of a quasi-abusive man being saved and fixed by a woman so blinded by love that she willingly puts herself in harms way over and over.  The trilogy could have ended with her being strong on her own, dead or living happily-ever-after.  I am disappointed at how many women have bought into this ridiculous, delusional happily-ever-after.  Please, please, go back to the Nicholas Sparks dumb girly shit.