|Cooper showing his thanks and support with a patriot bow tie. Happy Memorial Day everyone!|
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
I'm an on-and-off online dater. I never have very good luck with it. I've gone on a couple dates and had a few phone conversations over the years but nothing that amounted to anything. It might have something to do with the fact that I'm lazy about it and hardly ever email anyone. I kind of have a hard time taking it seriously.
After spending some time on online dating sites, I have developed a few pet peeves that make me cringe and move on to the next profile every time I see them. In an effort to make the world a better place by informing men what we really think of their profiles, I have compiled this list of my top 10 douche bag red flags.
Check them out and let me know if I'm too critical, right on the money or I just plain need to get a life.
Please note that ALL of the pictures of guys used below are real dudes' profile pictures. Yep, ladies, this is how they want all the world to know them. Email us if you like what you see and we'll hook you up.
|1 - The Shirtless Profile Picture|
While I appreciate a nice view, having your profile picture set as a headless torso is ridiculous. Guys, while you might date a woman solely based on the female version of this picture, women don't have the same mindset. You just look like a tool. Double douche points if it’s a picture of your torso that you took using your reflection in a bathroom mirror.
|2 - The Mirror Self Portrait|
Speaking of bathroom mirrors, try to limit the mirror self portraits. Other women may not mind, but when all the pictures on a profile are taken in a bathroom mirror, hall mirror, rear view mirror, etc, I think, “This guy has no friends.” Also, clean your freakin' bathroom! The dirty laundry behind you isn't going to help you get a date. Or the octopus shower curtain.
|3 - "This is How I Live" Pic|
There are several variations of this type of picture. It might include pictures of you in your military uniform, fireman turnout gear, mountain climbing, drinking on the beach, drinking in a pool, drinking with friends or, in some cases, I've seen a couple pictures of guys hunched over toilets vomiting. Not all of these are bad (except the vomit ones) and I’m not passing judgment on every situation where these are used. You might have a cool picture in your uniform (ladies love a uniform) or a good shot of you playing guitar in your band. But please, fellas, use these sparingly. You don't want to be Mr. Look-At-All-My-Shoes-and-Fresh-Ts-and-NWA-Poster up there. Trust me. Don't be that guy. Don't.
|4 - Must "Take Care" of Yourself|
The comment, “Looking for someone who takes care of themselves,” makes me want to jump through the computer, find the guy who typed it and punch him in the face. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Are you talking about someone who brushes their teeth or bathes on a regular basis? Um, no, I think everyone knows this is code for “No Fat Chicks” but it’s misleading and just pisses people off. If you don’t like larger ladies, no biggie, but don’t imply that they are smelly, gross and need a flea-bath. The comment might even turn off all the Sports Illustrated swimsuit models lining up outside your basement apartment. Oh, wait, there aren't any? I'm so sad for you, asshole.
|5 - Text Typing and Purposeful Misspelling|
I’m not perfect, nor do I always have perfect grammar, spelling or punctuation. People make mistakes. However I refuse to think that ending words in “z” is an accident. You are either an idiot or think it makes you "gangsta". A profile headline that reads, “I Gotz Skillz” is going to make me “runz for the hillz”. Also, “U” is a letter; “you” is a pronoun.
|6 - Profile Pictures of People Who Are Not You|
Are you P. Diddy? Are you Ryan Reynolds? No? Then why are there pictures of them on your dating profile? Why is "The Dark Knight" poster your profile picture? Are you telling me you are insane like The Joker or have anger management issues like Christian Bale? It’s not funny or clever and it doesn't tell me anything about you. It’s just weird.
|7 - Overuse of Tongue-in-Cheek Profiles|
The first 12 times I read these types of profiles, I thought they were clever. Now, everyone seems to be a ninja on the weekends who saves little old ladies from gigantic cats while playing the violin. Be yourself and let us get to know you. We get that you think you’re funny, now prove it to us by being clever about your real life.
|8 - Artsy Pictures by Guys Who Just Don't Get It|
This one really speaks for itself. I had something written about different types of artsy pics that don't work and the type of men who can and can't post them. Then I found this picture on a profile and, really, a picture is worth a thousand words. Good luck, Creepy Butterfly Man. I sincerely wish you the best. Fly. Be free.
|9 - Complaining|
It's so horrible that your ex makes you pay child support for the child you fathered. Really, you say all women cheat, lie and are fake? So, help me understand. If women are hateful wenches, why are you using your torso pictures and your ninja "skillz" to woo us? Shut up and be positive and maybe the one wonderful woman out there that you aren't sure exists will want to talk to you.
|10 - Pets, Children and the Elderly|
Now that you've gotten us hot and bothered with your abs, put us in our places by weeding out the fatties and the bitchy haters, and let us in on your crime fighting hobby, you think the icing on the cake is showing us your sensitive side. What better way than a picture of you and one of those kids that are "your world"? We're women, we're stupid, we won't remember that two sentences ago you complained about the child support. Oh, you don't have kids. Ok, you can work around that. How about a pet? Women love cute puppies and kittens and...iguanas? No pet, ok, that's cool. Grab an old person, preferably one that you know, snap a pic and you're in!
So, am I too critical? Should I jump on the next headless ninja iguana owner that thinks I "take care of myself" and emails me, "Hi, u r sexxyy. Can we chat?" Or do I continue to hit delete without responding?
Monday, May 21, 2012
Friday, May 18, 2012
KIM: Inspirational love quotes are really starting to piss me off. “You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.” I have heard this quote many times over the years. My mom uses it every single time I call her to complain about being alone. I call for advice and I hear this quote and then she prays for me. A quote and a prayer aren’t really advice, Mom.
DONNA: I pray people will stop quoting this to me: “You’ll find the right one when you’re ready.” Are you sure? How sure? Like 72% sure? What facts do you have to back this up? If you’re gonna throw this in my face (the suggestion that I’m not in a relationship because I lack “readiness” - as opposed to all of those other relationship-ready geniuses who are hitched or hooked-up and ready to do murder to their similarly relationship-ready-paragons-of-emotional-maturity lifemates), the least you can do is offer charts and graphs to support this hypothesis. Pony up with the data or give it a fucking rest. Readiness = Good Man Magically Materializes Before You. Hogwash poppycock unicorns.
KIM: I hate these quotes. I know they have truth to them; if you are a miserable person in general, you aren’t going to suddenly find yourself blissfully happy upon finding yourself in the midst of coupledom. If you do, it probably won’t last long.
For emotionally mature and un-crippled single people everywhere, I call bullshit. Quotes like these imply that as soon as you love yourself, whatever that means, you’ll find love and hearts and rainbows and flowers and kittens. The implication is that if you are single and not happy about it, it’s your fault because you don’t love yourself.
So, does the fact that I have been single for an eternity mean that I don’t love myself? I’m going to have to answer “no” – I think I’m a pretty awesome chick.
DONNA: Agreed. Kim is awesome. Please continue.
KIM: Thanks, Donna, I appreciate it even though you’re my friend and have to say that. But, let’s use me as test case for this quote. I think I’m awesome; therefore I should be completely happy with my weekend ritual of hot dates with Redbox and my dog, right? WRONG! But I love myself; I should be happy no matter what, even in my pjs at 8:00 pm on a Friday night watching, “Camel Spiders,” right? WRONG! The whole premise falls apart and starts a never-ending spiral of contradictions. The inconsistency boggles the mind. As does “Camel Spiders.” They only have 6 legs in some scenes; they aren’t spiders! Insects six, spiders eight…idiots.
DONNA: Kim, what’s with the weird shit you watch? Seriously, girlfriend, you watch some weird shit.
KIM: It’s what they had at Redbox. Can we start a movement to ban use of quotes like these in normal “I’m-tired-of-being-single” complaint situations? People need to stop before use and ask themselves, “Does she regularly sit in the corner on weekends crying and rocking while watching ‘The Notebook’ and knitting sweaters for her cat?”
DONNA: The only women I know who do things like that are married. Just sayin’.
KIM: Eh, I don’t know if I can say the same thing but I don’t think it’s an epidemic. Hopefully though the answer is “No, she does not knit cat sweaters and cry.” In this situation, for the sake and pride of awesome single chicks everywhere – do NOT use this quote. Or any quote for that matter. Remind her she’s awesome and tell her horror stories about your relationship or marriage. That always helps.
DONNA: I propose we start a new hackneyed-overly-simplistic saying: “When you love yourself, your marriage problems will be solved.” It makes lots of sense, and by ‘lots of sense’ I mean no sense. Nonsense. It makes nonsense. It’s nonsense. I’ll stop now.
KIM: Did you turn into The Mad Hatter for a minute? Anyway, if the answer to “The Notebook” cat sweater question is “yes” you’ve got a whole new set of problems on your hands. “The Notebook” and cat sweaters are never okay. Ever. Seriously. Ever.
DONNA: You must love yourself enough not to watch film adaptations of Nicholas Sparks’s novels.
KIM: Well, at least enough not to cry and knit sweaters while watching them. Maybe if they’re for Ryan Gosling’s cats?